Lifestyle, Uncategorized

FRIENDVENTORY: Why You Should Take It.

We’ve all had toxic friendships, it’s a part of life and learning.  But, at what point do we all stop going down the road of a potential disaster and take a turn down a different path?  When do we stop giving life to current relationships that no longer serve a positive purpose & always end with the same story…or not head down that road to begin with?  Isn’t the very definition of insanity continually doing the same thing or putting yourself in the same situation, but expecting a different result?  I came to this realization about 4 years ago when I first moved to Dallas…hence, the birth of taking ‘Friendventory’ in my life.  Sure it would have been easy to take every person I met up on their offers to hang out, or join their friend groups.  But the more I explored a new city and relationships at that point in my life, the more I realized I was extremely blessed with my present friendships…and did I really want to run the gamut of friendship speed dating all over again? No.  Not really.  I was having a hard time justifying spending my little free time with people who I didn’t really mesh with, or shared values with-just to simply have friends.  The same went for maintaining friendships that weren’t serving a positive purpose in my life anymore.  I’m definitely a quality over quantity person.  All of my friends make fun of me because it’s impossible for me to hide what i’m really thinking, because my facial expressions truly say it all.  Thankfully, I’ve been blessed with really amazing friendships most of which are going over a decade strong, so yes, my standards are high…because the quality of my current friendships are like Caviar on top of Pizza- two of my favorite things, i’m not sacrificing my time with them, to bring in a McValue friendship.  Take it from me guys, you invest in shit…you’re going to get just that, SHIT.  I’m giving y’all a little insight into how I made a change and cleansed my life of the negative vibes & drama. Related image

The longer I was in Dallas, the more the whole ‘No New Friends’ saying went from coy one liner to real life.  I feel like at this point in my life I don’t have open space for drama, cattiness, or frankly any relationship that feels like work.  Friendships are supposed to be fun and easy; the second I realize i’m counting the number of days its been since shaving my legs while they’re talking, or contemplating my confusion that the interaction i’m having is the result of the sperm that won- it’s a pretty firm indicator i’m checked out and this person and I just aren’t meant to be.  This doesn’t mean if i’m not friends with someone i’m saying they’re a bad person etc.  Most of the time i’ve met a lot of people i’ve truly enjoyed, but things are better as acquaintances, we just haven’t run into each other enough, or that thing called life happens and I’m spending time with no one but my dogs and husband & forget to reach out.    At present, I am incredibly happy with all of my friends who have known me from all stages of my life, who have been there and loved and supported me all the way. With that said, I met a lot of nice people when I moved to Dallas, and several did turn into great friendships in good time- which I prefer. I don’t like people who try to be my best friend in the first 5 seconds of knowing me, and I finally took a different route and took more time getting to know people.  As a result, I have made a small handful of friends I would incorporate into my group from home, and have trust in that I see on a regular basis and love spending time with.  I took time.  I got to know people slowly, and for the most part-it did workout in my benefit and I ended up surrounding myself with people I truly love and vibe with.  Of course there were mistakes here and there, but thats life, you can’t avoid all the speed bumps.  I was truly secure with myself and that being alone was better than being surrounded by a lot of people, where you still indeed-felt alone.  So I took it slow, I didn’t dive into the deep end head first.  I tested the waters.

I personally, see nothing wrong with this.  You don’t have to be friends with everyone.  Don’t confuse ‘not being friends’ with not being polite.  Those are two completely different things; but do I have to invite every person I meet over for Wine and Movie night?  Ugh no.  I firmly believe that my free time is reserved for those who are equally invested in a relationship as much as I am, and it is drama and care free with no secret agenda.  At this age, I have no time for bullshit.  I deal with bullshit on a daily basis at work, i’m not going to choose it for my personal life.  You’d think at the ripe age of 30 there wouldn’t be much social bull to deal with, but oh my friend-you’d be wrong to assume people mature or grow up with time.

With that said, this isn’t to say i’m not open to new friendships, but I pride myself on the quality of friendships I seek and on my ability to read people (from experience getting burned A LOT) in about 5 minutes.  I can sum up what kind of a person someone is fairly quickly, and if there is potential for a friendship.  All it takes is LISTENING.  I’m giving you all a little insight into my ‘Friendship Danger Zone Traits’ I pay attention to when deciding to venture down the path of starting a new friendship or taking ‘friendventory’ in a relationship that is no longer bringing positive vibes to my life.  This obviously isn’t fool proof, I still fail and have failed again in recent times. But hopefully some of these things will make you think twice before trusting ‘Susie’ to be your next BFF, or ditching ‘Regina’ who’s always ready to shove that knife in your back.

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  1.  The ‘Leech’.   This personality will suck the life out of you.  They’re a metaphorical sinking ship, the Titanic…and if you think they’ll ‘Never Let Go, Jack’…think again…this type of friend is the first to feed you to the sharks and head for that lifeboat.  In my experience ‘The Leech’ is someone who doesn’t bring a lot to the table.  They’re a ‘take take take’ personality and it’s the world about them and you’re just visiting.  Trust me, this is the kind of friend who’s always looking to upgrade, so you won’t be in their wheelhouse long.  They’ll frequently ‘show up’ to the friendship in times of your success, or when they need you for something.  They’re in and out of your relationship faster than a Virgin on Prom night, but you can be sure they’ll be back for seconds…and thirds…etc.  Unless you draw a line.  This person is a user and will always continue to be one.  These are typically the people who you see bouncing from friendship to friendship, or have more ‘best friends’ than the number of menstrual cycles you’ll have in a lifetime.  For instance:

    ‘Do you know Sally?’ …. ‘Oh My God, she’s one of my BEST. FRIENDS!’

Cue the moment when you find out they just met the week before.  The Leech will             use you for whatever they can both socially and/or monetarily.  I’ve literally had people say to me in the first five minutes of meeting, “Oh, my God! I want to go to the Bahamas (my families home) when can we go to the Bahamas?!’.  ARE. YOU. FREAKING. KIDDING? No, no they are not I tell you…and All I have to say is: Ain’t Nobody got time for that.

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2.  The ‘Susie’.  Have y’all ever heard the saying ‘What Susie says of Sally, says more of Susie than of Sally’.  Yea well, this could not be MORE true.  When I mentioned most people I can figure out in 5 minutes…give me 2 with a ‘Susie’.  This person typically starts off the conversation gossiping or divulging private information about their ‘BFF/friend’ in hopes of garnering your attention.  Guess what Susie lame ass?  You just talked shit on your Best Friend to me in the first 5 minutes of meeting

…Game Over; you’ve just tried to play poker with all your cards facing towards me.  If you think you’ll ever be the ‘exception’ to a ‘Susie’, well you’re freaking nuts.  ‘Susie’s’ have no exceptions.  It’s like girls thinking they’ll be the one to change the ‘bad guy’, no girl…you won’t, it’s just a matter of time.  The ‘Susie’ is a complete narcissist and loves to gossip…no topic is off limits.  The Susie can be your worst nightmare, especially since their fondness for the truth can be lacking.  One of the first group dinners I had in Dallas, a ‘Susie’ was present.  Her ‘Best Friend’ got up to go to the Bathroom and the second said ‘Best Friend’ was out of ear shot…Susie went to town with her plastics in tow, chowing down on said BFFs current relationship and how the guy she was talking to was trying to actually hook up with her (Susie).  Well BFF came back to the table and Susie couldn’t stop talking about how cute her outfit was and how good she looked and that said guy was going to ‘just die’ when he saw her.  Wahh Wahh Susie…mixed with a little ‘Holy Crap…people like this actually exist’.

When a ‘Susie’ is in your midst, you’ll know it.  They’re the type to try and screw you with a smile.  I can’t tell you all on how many occasions of meeting people just a handful of times, they go to town on their inner circle or divulge private information about others.  The word vomit and open backstabbing is just bizarre.  Not to mention that most of the time, the ‘Susie’ tries to play the Victim.  They’re the epitome of the saying, ‘Dish it out but can’t take it’ which usually happens when confronted about their poor behavior.  After-all, it’s the world about Susie.  What the ‘Susie’ somehow never realizes, is that they’re trying to play a game, but dealt their hand in the first five minutes for those who are listening.  I’m not amused or entertained by their lack of loyalty and backstabbing.  All it makes me think is ‘What makes this girl think she isn’t going to do the EXACT same thing to me?’.  Like I said before, I have no time for bullshit. The Susie is like having an emotional Enema, and this girl will take a HARD PASS.

3. The ‘Talker’.  A little bit Susie, a lotta bit sneaky & narcissistic.  The talker will TELL you all about how loyal, honest, and such a great friend they are {are you running for the Hills yet?} and that everyone else is the problem.  The talker is just that…ALL TALK, no accountability.  I’m a firm believer that the more you TELL me you are something {in my experience} the more it has ended up that they are the exact opposite.  They basically describe themselves to be the person they want to be, or want people to perceive them as, but most definitely aren’t.  All talk, no action.  Don’t tell me what a good friend you are, show me.  The ‘Talker’ usually will stand on this pedestal of values and claim brutal honesty.  But in my experience, it’s this type of personality that is the last to address any sort of issue with you.  They’ll use the silent treatment or just being passive aggressive to get their point across.  Who has time for that?  Are we in middle school again? The ‘Talker’, that prides themselves on being ‘brutally honest’, usually just uses that characteristic as an excuse to be a Bitch…but rarely ever use it to solve a concern or an issue.  She’s also that friend that ALWAYS is the one delivery you bad news….’Oh, so and so said this about you…i’m your friend so I wanted you to know’…this type of personality LOVES to deliver the first blow under the guise of someone else’s misdoings (this applies to people with other shady characteristics-not upstanding friends who truly are telling you out of concern).  This gal doesn’t tell you out of concern-they’re telling you out of sheer pleasure in your pain.  In my opinion, how can someone who is ‘your friend’ possibly get that much information from someone speaking negatively about you?  If someone ever did that about one of my friends…I’d shut their asses down in their tracks.  If they were crazy enough to keep going-i’d leave.  In my experiences with a ‘Talker’ i’ve always said, “Okay, so what were you doing in this conversation that made them feel like it was so easy to say all of this to you?”…am I right? Or am I right?  In the end, most ‘Talkers’ will try to sweet talk you into this picture perfect friendship, but word to the wise…you’ll usually end up with a friendship hangover.

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4. The ‘Regina’.  The Great White Shark of all Friendship Woes, the ‘Regina’ is my very definition of Hell on Earth in a ‘friendship’; if you ever could have or would call it that.  The ‘Regina’ is a mix of all of my previous categories; the ultimate narcissist with a hint of sociopath.  TheRegina is manipulative and a user like the ‘leech’, backstabbing like the ‘Susie’ and just full of BS and narcissism like the ‘Talker’.  The gal is different in the sense that the ‘Regina’ is elusive and may take some time to figure out, before they just bite your dang legs off.  They’re sneaky and manipulative, so they’re great at covering their end game.  They don’t show you all their cards, so they have a tendency to lure you in to what you think could be a great friendship.  They’ll talk like the talker but not be completely obvious about it.  Most of the time they’ll seem really fun and loyal and have a great sense of humor, but they’re just more strategic and subtle.  They’re usually quite charismatic, so they initially seem like an appealing friendship.  Smoke and mirrors my friend…smoke. and. mirrors.  In this ‘friendship’ you’re playing chess, typically with someone who’s much better at it than you.  The Regina typically hides behind a moral platform like religion or philanthropy to use as ammo against their opponents and cover or divert from their poor behavior. In my experience, the ‘Regina’ seems to lack a moral compass….they treat others however they want, but their own narcissism holds everyone to a different standard on how they themselves should be treated.  They have a tendency to overreact and twist words/scenarios to suit their argument, they love attention and it’s the world about them.  The ‘Regina’ loves to hide behind the ‘Cool Girl’ Facade. Remember the whole ‘I’ll never let go Jack?’ well, this Shark lurks in the deep dark depths before it breeches for a kill shot.  Forget reasoning with this type of person, they’ll always be the victim and correct in their mind…until they need you for something.  Then…they’ll come slithering back . The ‘Regina’ can lie with the best of them and will twist and turn anything to feed their agenda.  Sometimes, I wonder if these type of people even realize what they’re doing at times, sometimes I really do think they believe their false narratives.  This type of person is 110% passive aggressive & will rarely come to you like an adult with any concerns etc.  It’s the silent treatment and straight back-stabbing till this one decides to put you out of your misery.

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There ya go…all the warning signs you should pay attention to with your current relationships or when considering making an addition to your girl gang.  With all of this said, i’ve incorporated some amazing new people into my friendship groups in recent years, but I don’t do it lightly.  I’m not freaking Oprah…’you get a friend pass! You get a friend pass! and You get a friend pass!’….Nah.  I’ve changed my tactics by paying attention to warning signs, taking things slow, and listening.  It’s like sorting your candy on Halloween…you don’t rush through it, you throw away those shady looking pieces your mom warned you about and keep all the good stuff…ya know…that won’t kill you or more likely just give you diarrhea.  Life is short, your free time should be fun.  You shouldn’t have to worry whether or not you can trust someone in your circle, if you question it…welp- there’s your answer right there.

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XX, Bb

 

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